Tour Conspiracy Theories

With Contador’s attack today, tensions are high and people are looking for ‘the story’. A couple days ago, Lance Armstrong chirped that if he didn’t come out and talk to the media, people with just start creating things to write about. Unfortunately, the Astana bus is across an ocean and he isn’t taking my phone calls, so I guess I feel obligated to share random conspiracy theories for the rest of Le Tour to muddy the waters.

-Theory #1 – The Amigos Ride Again. Unnamed sources state Armstrong will offer the underfunded, undermanned Skil/Shimano team 20 frequent flier upgrade coupons, the towels from the previous night’s Astana hotel suites, media quotes regarding the battle-worthy efforts of the Skil/Shimano squad after stages 11 and 15, the Skil logo stitched on the side of one Livestrong hat to be worn at the Astana team dinner for Twitpics and a 10% discount coupon for the Nike Livestrong collection in exchange for switching Chris Horner out for one of their riders. A little euro wig, bronzing insta-tan and some mirrored Oakleys…nobody would ever know.

-Theory #2 – Prudhomme’s Hit on Boonen. Nobody can have such a string of bad luck to start a Tour. Exit stage left after a crash on the run to the finish of stage 2, caught in the split in stage 3, two punctures in stage 5 and now a crash on the slippery white stripes of Barcelona. It’s obvious Prudhomme is pissed about the UCI not taking care of his dirty work, much less the French kangaroo court of sport letting him in as the clock struck midnight. Unnamed sources state Prudhomme has offered Katusha a contract on Boonen not finishing the tour with a get-out-of-doping-jail-free card for their next team slip up. Spy photos outside of Moscow show Pozzatto training with a removable seat tube configured as a blow dart gun.

-Theory #3 – Garmin banks financial success on perpetual bridesmaid status. Vaughters realizes his formula for success and sponsor dollars lies in putting up heroic, yet sympathetic doomed efforts that buy more TV time. After falling four bike lengths short of Cav again, Farrar’s last bottle contents prior to the sprint finish are analyzed and found to contain 83% organic thanksgiving grade tryptophan.

-Theory #4 – Cadel Evans booted for abnormal blood values. Not because he doped, took CERA or snorted coke off a Spanish hooker’s ass, but because it was finally discovered he is the evil love child of the elf leader and a hobbit concubine from Lord of the Rings. Is there any other explanation?

-Theory #5 – Denis Menchov found to be a Decepticon. After showing up at the start of stage 8 looking like Liam Neeson, a photo emerges of him doing the picture/change thing like the Camaro in Transformers. After years of wondering how no man can consistently show so little personality, it’s determined Menchov’s horrible start to the Tour and inability to stay upright on a TT bike is the result of a bad gyroscope and going 1,100 miles past his last oil change interval.

My name is Jeff and I have a cycling gear addiction

“Hi. My name is Jeff and I have a cycling gear addiction.” My addiction started back in the early 90’s. While in college, I managed a big Specialized dealer. I was young, had disposable income (every other paycheck was signed back to the store) and access to every cycling product imaginable at dealer cost, closeout and employee purchase pricing. After that, I ran a US ski distributor and if I couldn’t earn my gear via sponsorship, I could barter and bargain to get my gear fix when needed. Times, places and careers changed and for a period, I found different chemical pacifiers for what ailed me…not the best answers, since all it got me was fat and appreciative of the random cartoon, but it was easier on the pocketbook.

About two years ago, my wife sensed my longing to return to the sport and I came home on Father’s Day to find a new Jamis Quest sitting in my living room. It was reasonable, a sensible bike. I jumped on with the joy and fervor of somebody 30 years younger and haven’t looked back, riding 5-6 days a week.

But, the addiction reared its ugly head again. I decided to get back into racing. At first it started simply-Speedplay pedals, Selle Italia SLR saddle, Polar CX200 wireless computer to track my speed, heart rate and cadence. A frame manufacturing defect provided the opportunity to upgrade via warranty to an Eclipse frame, an artistic blend of raw Reynolds 853 and with sections of woven carbon tubing laced in between, a fine example of 15-year old technology. I built a Salsa Campeon part-by-part with new Rival, a 3T cockpit, the new Selle San Marco Mantra saddle and Williams Racing tubulars for racing and crits with cash from odd jobs and freelance work. It was easy to hide my problem after I bought the frame and wheels; it was a $100 here, $200 there. Then, the closeouts appeared. While I might only consider 3-4 time trials per year, I couldn’t pass up a ready-to-roll TT closeout Jamis Trilogy at ½ price. That was quickly followed by a college-era former shop worker cyclerati friend calling me up, encouraging me to jump into some of the Minnesota State Championship Series MTB races. The problem, no bike. The solution, another closeout – a Jamis Dakota Comp, a perfect hardtail for the XC type races around here. My confession – I don’t even like the Jamis brand. Jamis is sensible, a good value with better components for the dollar, but no soul. But, I just cannot help myself when it comes to accumulating more gear, especially if it’s good quality at a bargain.

In reading the book Roadie a few months back, I bravely showed my wife the opening section which indicated the average roadie had 8 (?) bikes and the equation for determining the number of bikes you need to own was “n+1”, with n representing the current number of bikes you own. I wanted to show her I wasn’t alone in the world and that my addiction, if validated in print, was perfectly logical.

Coming Soon

And now, with my addiction back in full swing, I have my next two bikes already plotted. Cyclocross was still in US infancy in the early 90’s when I was doing most of my prior racing; I don’t even know if it existed in the Midwest. But, it looks like a hoot and I must have a cyclocross steed prior to the start of that season. It looks fun and Minnesota seems to be building a healthy CX race community. The greater crime exists in my lack of a complete carbon road racing machine. When I lined up to the start of my local crit a few months back, I looked around at the 20 or so at the line and realized I wasn’t part of the club, the only one not riding some molded piece of thermoplastic. I felt like my beard should have been about 3 inches longer and completely grey, wearing a La Vie Claire jersey that I was trying to squeeze myself into 20 years too late. Then, the research began. Those who know me know I’m neurotic at analyzing my purchases and my tendencies are a strange mix of contrarian, techno and retro, starting with my dislike of all things Shimano and Trek for absolutely no logical reason whatsoever. I quickly figured all the components and now…the frame…I’ve promised myself I will only spend a max of $2,500 on the frameset, so that after a couple wheelsets to go along with it, my purely arbitrary spending limit stays intact. I’m astonished at how much analysis can go into reading reviews and staring at pictures; one of the downfalls of my locale is that only the standard brands can be found at an easy drive – Specialized, Trek, Giant, Cannondale, et al. but nothing out of the norm. And if I’m going to do it, I’m not pulling up to the start line just to see all my neurotic, analyzing efforts result in the same bike that 10 other guys have. I’ve got a problem. I don’t really want help, I just want to figure out what’s next.